dream (drēm) n.
A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations
occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.
My dreams, or should I say nightmares have never been normal. They have always been a bit weird and tormenting.
The earliest odd dream I can remember that was reoccurring was during my first few years of secondary school. I remember being in a white room, on a white wooden chair, being continually circled by a black figure. The room was dirty and decaying with the distressed paint flaking off the wall.
During the dream, I wasn’t forced to remain in the chair but I couldn’t move. The figure wouldn’t get any closer to me but would eerily move slowly around me. The figure moved slowly enough for me to break free and run for the door, but the door was none existent.
This isn’t the first strange dream I had. There are many from early childhood that I know I had but struggle to remember the content. I did have dreams about the floor in my room turning to lava or the walls being covered in flies and bees. I would wake up being able to feel them all over the walls. My response to the dreams at that age was to cry until my mum came to my room and stayed with me until I fell asleep again.
These mostly started when I started school.
I’ve had these strange dreams all the way through school, college and university. They were always the same and occurred mostly during stressful times. Even good dreams would turn into twisted tales of deceit and torment. Some of my best stories and scripts came from my dreams for my creative writing units. Though I was taken aside by my Lecturer wondering if I was okay…Code for “I think you have problems”. I was asked if I could write anything “More Cheery” as he struggled to read them. “Try living them in your dreams.” Was my reply.
I didn’t enjoy school at all, but that is another blog.
Now I work as a Lecturer (the irony) and I am still plagued by these dreams. Being chased, captured, unable to escape the people/figures/monsters that seem to take great satisfaction in this torment they are handing out. They laugh, cheer and giggle as they go about their work.
The two most recent dreams are disturbing to the point if I am able to wake I will not go back to sleep that night.
One is of being tortured only to realise it is myself torturing myself, messed up right? And the second is being stuck in a stone square building on one floor.
This floor is like stepping back in time or into an underworld where anything goes. On the outer sides of the corridor there are eight rooms per wall but with no doors, just curtains and the rooms are lavishly decorated with scatter cushions and people within them are living in utter decadences. Indulging on everything to the excess, ANYTHING you can imagine. In the middle is a block of four rooms each pair create a sort of open plan kitchen and eating area. These four rooms also have the extravagant curtains as doors but the people working in them are tired, dirty and not quite human, or at least the world they are living in has turned them into creatures that resemble humans but with no love, compassion or understanding towards others. They are like an underclass there to serve the people on the other side of the corridor, which themselves aren’t much like human beings due to their selfishness.
What is my part in this dream? Well, I find a door, which seems like my only option to escape what it following me. I enter and I am trapped trying to find a way out being caught in the curtain and vines of the decorations that cover the cold stone walls. Catching glimpse of what is happening in the rooms and narrowly missing my arm being chopped off by a meat clever whilst the half-human-half-creature cooks for the selfish cockroaches within the curtain room. During this time I am being followed. I can’t find a single person who I can turn to. I am disgusted the people in the curtained rooms behavior and scared and pitiful towards the ones working. I am stunned by both of these extremes caught in the middle of this never-ending corridor.
The dream ends with me waking up. No conclusion. No escape. I feel sick. If I close my eyes I am back on that floor and can feel the cold stone against my feet. I keep my eyes open and I listen out for the reassuring sound of my husband breathing and reach out for his warmth.
I don’t seem to be able to do anything about these dreams.
It has been suggested to me to write them down. I have done this once and it seemed to work with one particular dream which I felt would be an excellent Physical Theatre piece to create one day. That dream has never returned. I didn’t intend to write it down but I felt that it was an idea I couldn’t forget.
On reflection whilst writing this blog all of the dreams I used as scripts have never returned. So I will start and see if I can rid myself of these dreams or if they will just become more extreme as I banish one dream making room for ever more twisted scenarios.
I’ve never looked into the meaning of dreams as I am a believer of it just being your brain trying to make sense of events happening in your life, but if there is anyone out there who thinks they have answers for me please let me know.
night·mare (nīt′mâr′) n.
1. A dream arousing feelings of intense fear, horror, and distress.
2. An event or experience that is intensely distressing.
3. A demon or spirit once thought to plague sleeping people.
Maybe I should call them Nightmares.